The Switch

“I wish I could just flip a switch in you and make you into what I want you to be.”

That’s what he said last night. 4 months ago, it was “GREAT, if we know what it is, we can work with it, we can make it better.” 2 months ago – “You should move back in. Maybe we can get re-married.”

But now. A mere week after I finished moving back into our home completely and sold off or gave away everything I bought to start over again back in December, he’s talking about leaving again. Our 3rd “move-out” separation in a year.

I keep going back to “we can work with this.” Prior to moving back in, we made a few new rules. Stuff that would help me get a handle on my day. Like a laundry schedule and help doing it. Help making dinner. I would work harder to show affection. This has all gone by the wayside. It’s all gone back to business as usual. But I’M the one being accused of not making quick enough progress. It’s been 8 weeks.

I’m on an antidepressant now. I’m told that I’m being nicer. But I think that’s more a conscious effort than the drugs. All they really do is make my ears ring and give me super vivid dreams. Our couple’s therapist asked him “Doesn’t it mean anything to you that she’s willing to alter her brain chemistry for you?” The answer was “Not really, she would have probably done it on her own.” This is debatable.

He says he’s not happy. That he’s become co-dependant for having to become my parent. He says he is incapable of feeling joy, or anything at all. He drinks too much. The only difference now is that he says that he’s mad at himself. Mad for not putting a fork in this a long time ago. Mad at himself for always holding out hope that I’d eventually morph into the person he wanted me to be. He says that I’m easy. Easy because I have very few expectations in life and that it takes very little effort on his part for me to feel like everything is alright.

He’s been telling forever that it’s all my fault. And now he’s saying that it’s really all his fault for allowing our relationship to continue. I get that. I was unable to pay attention and this other person is literally screaming at me to pay attention to them. It’s textbook. It’s maddening. It’s my work. I may never understand it. I certainly can’t go back and make it better, so I don’t want to live back there. I got shit to do.

One brain to rule them all.

The place where I am brings to mind these words from Galadriel:

The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the Company is true…

And much like LOTR, it’s a long drawn out journey that brought me to the hot mess that I am. I am 43 and I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of months ago. That’s a heckofa long time to fly under the radar. Only I wasn’t. Someone was paying pretty close attention to me and shouting it out to me in every other words but “ADHD” and I was too stubborn to listen. I’m speaking about my husband who is at this moment sitting in the living room, loathing me and plotting out our 3rd separation in a year, Yes, 3rd.

Let me back up a bit. I’ll do that a lot because my thoughts don’t come to me chronologically. It was New Year’s Day of this year, I was living in my brother’s old house. Kind of just squatting there to ride out the winter. I had just left my husband in early December, and it was our second break up of the year after 13 years of marriage and 15 years together. I get a text from him after a good few weeks of tense spotty communication. He was texting me to tell me that he “found out what was wrong with me”. My immediate thought was “Fuck off”. But then it kept coming. He had seen a segment on CBS Sunday Morning about undiagnosed ADD in adults and everything they described was me. Then came links to articles, links to YouTUBE…they kept coming. And it all made sense. But, haven’t I just managed the guts to leave you based on the fact that I’m just so messed up in your eyes? Now you’re going to diagnose me?

Fast forward six weeks to Valentines Day. By now I have seen my personal therapist and had appointments to see 2 more. I got Valentine flowers for the first time in forever delivered to my work. The card read: “Reminding you to stop and smell the flowers this year. Let the light fill your heart with love and your life with joy and set your mind free. Sending all my love to connect the dots and fill the empty spaces. -Hubby.”

A turning point, yes? Yes and no.

The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.

Don’t worry. I won’t always have geeky quotes.