The place where I am brings to mind these words from Galadriel:
The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the Company is true…
And much like LOTR, it’s a long drawn out journey that brought me to the hot mess that I am. I am 43 and I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of months ago. That’s a heckofa long time to fly under the radar. Only I wasn’t. Someone was paying pretty close attention to me and shouting it out to me in every other words but “ADHD” and I was too stubborn to listen. I’m speaking about my husband who is at this moment sitting in the living room, loathing me and plotting out our 3rd separation in a year, Yes, 3rd.
Let me back up a bit. I’ll do that a lot because my thoughts don’t come to me chronologically. It was New Year’s Day of this year, I was living in my brother’s old house. Kind of just squatting there to ride out the winter. I had just left my husband in early December, and it was our second break up of the year after 13 years of marriage and 15 years together. I get a text from him after a good few weeks of tense spotty communication. He was texting me to tell me that he “found out what was wrong with me”. My immediate thought was “Fuck off”. But then it kept coming. He had seen a segment on CBS Sunday Morning about undiagnosed ADD in adults and everything they described was me. Then came links to articles, links to YouTUBE…they kept coming. And it all made sense. But, haven’t I just managed the guts to leave you based on the fact that I’m just so messed up in your eyes? Now you’re going to diagnose me?
Fast forward six weeks to Valentines Day. By now I have seen my personal therapist and had appointments to see 2 more. I got Valentine flowers for the first time in forever delivered to my work. The card read: “Reminding you to stop and smell the flowers this year. Let the light fill your heart with love and your life with joy and set your mind free. Sending all my love to connect the dots and fill the empty spaces. -Hubby.”
A turning point, yes? Yes and no.
The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.
Don’t worry. I won’t always have geeky quotes.