Truth be told, I had planned to start a blog about getting my shit together long ago. Way before anyone said to me “hey, I know what’s wrong with you”. I had all the nicknames for everything. “I’m instant gratification girl”, “I have decision fatigue”, “my mind has too many tabs open”. But now, by living with this other human, who has for now 15 years, complained about my piles, my inattention, my attraction to the next shiny object, my tendency to change jobs, it gets brought up so much now that it’s like living with another person. This is my roommate. ADHD. He lives here now. And we didn’t know his name for awhile, but now that we do, we’re going to blame him for all kinds of shit.
And that’s what happened. And is still happening.
He says he’s moving out this weekend so that he can go be the person I won’t let him be. At the same time, I don’t feel that I can be myself and it’s a vicious cycle. Gone is trust, any intimacy we had, even friendship at this point. He has other people for that now.
He reminds me about how many articles he has read and how our relationship is textbook – “destroyed by ADHD”. That guy we didn’t even know 4 months ago. And I look back on a million times that I had my own warning signs that this relationship would always be drama. And for someone who claims to be non-confrontational, I sure sucked it up.
I slept on the couch last night. Avoiding that strange place where you’re sleeping next to someone that has one foot out the door. We’ve been here twice before. And given the strange addiction that I seem to have to him still, I’d choose the couch over letting him hear me cry, or god forbid rolling and spooning him one last time.
I’m painfully aware of my shortcomings. I recognize all of them and I no longer make excuses for them. But probably now more than ever, I am aware of my strengths and the fact that I really do like myself. I don’t want to have to change for anyone. I couldn’t even if I did.
So. Soon enough it will be me against the world again. Me with my kids. Me with a business to run and now stuck back in a house that I was so proud to have the balls to leave. Strange how that happened and sickening that I really don’t want to live here with our ghosts. I made it out. The last time you said I didn’t measure up, I made it out. I extracted every single speck of me that I could out of this house. You said I took all the house’s personality with me. And then, you brought me back. Brought me back with so much promise of making it right.
And all my new stuff didn’t fit. I crammed it all back in the house and swore I would deal with all of it. But that was ok, right? Because we were we again and we had our new friend ADHD with us. And we were going to make him better and make him right. And I did make all the piles go away. I had yard sales and sold stuff, and I donated and purged. I made it all fit back. In fact I’m pretty sure I was putting the last picture frame back in its old spot right before you told me that I wasn’t improving in the way you wanted. And that you wanted to leave.
Because I didn’t change for you.